How to Uninterest Me in Your Job Opening

I have been recieving an incredible amount of job calls and emails lately. I mean, so many that I'm concerned my cell phone minutes will go over my alotted 450 (sure, I don't have to answer those calls). For whatever reason, I actually read through most of these emails. However, lately my brain has been tuning its spam filters to reduce the strain of going through that much junk. For you head hunters out there, here is my personal list of easy ways to uninterest me in your job opening. You might want to pay attention because I suspect I speak for a lot of people.
 * 1) Using words like URGENT, NEED, ASAP, and/or OPPORTUNITY
 * This will not make me want to answer your email any faster. It will, in fact, make me sad to see an email from you and not want to do business with you ever.
 * 1) Writing subject lines all or mostly in caps
 * Your excessive use of caps lock will only deter me from reading your email. All caps says to me "no one is interested in this job for a good reason so I will resort to doing whatever I can to make sure that people read the subject of this email".
 * 1) Telling me there is a need for a in my area
 * You see, now it just looks like you're spamming me using key words from my website. If you have a job in my area, tell me what the job is and who it's for - not that there is one.
 * 1) Describing in the job requriements that I must be able to "operate well within time constraints and be able to multi-task in a fast-paced environment"
 * I understand there are some exceptions to this but most jobs require this. In fact, I can't remember a single recruiter email yet that hasn't mentioned this.
 * 1) Use the words "fast-paced environment"
 * This one is almost a sure fire way of getting me to delete your email in a fast-paced way. I have had really bad experiences with this one. I'm sure you mean well and intend this to say "dynamic changing environment", but to me this says "lots and lots of unpaid overtime".
 * 1) Make it clear to me that you found me only on a few keywords on my resume and offer me a job that is not even remotely close to what I do.
 * Just because the keyword Java is in "Java Application Administrator" on my resume doesn't mean I'm a "Java programmer".
 * 1) Offer a 3 to 4 month contract in another state where the cost of living is far higher than where I am now
 * Does anyone ever take these? I just don't see a reason to move to another state for "3 to 4 months" other than just wanting to visit that state.
 * 1) A job regarding ways to make SuperUberplexes of moneys from home working only a small number of hours per week
 * Call me closed minded but I view these as either pyramid schemes or get-rich-quick schemes. I've seen many of these and they either land people in jail or fizzle out with little to no consequence or profit.
 * 1) Call or email me when you clearly know only a small amount of English
 * What do you think outsourcing your recruiters says to me? If I ask a very simple question and it is not understood, not because I didn't phrase it right but because the recruiter doesn't know the words, I will not be very interested in your job opening or company.
 * 1) Send me an email that is obviously a generated template
 * The sentence "Our records show that you are an experienced IT professional with experience In . Net Developer This experience is relevant to one of my current openings. " is clearly generated. Firstly, the word in should not be capitalized In the middle of a sentence, even if In a title. Also, it's .Net, not . Net. Additionally, you missed a period. Most likely when you copied and pasted the job title in your sentence you overwrote the period at the end.